Tomorrow is gonna suck for me soooo hard. Awesome way to end the worst week ever.
If things couldn’t get any worse..I told the guy I like that I have feelings for him. I’m so emotionally and mentally stunted right now that doing that is literally the stupidest thing I’ve done lately.
I do this to myself. I swear to god I need my own personal jiminy cricket.
So I don’t really want to deal with reality right now. Sorry.
My god. My flippin god. I don’t even know…either quit my job or don’t do suessical and national convention. On one hand I need money and I love my job and its more big picture help in life. Then again ill only be in highschool once and I will regret not doing suessical or the convention. I think I’m going to quit. But bryce and I are going to LA this Sunday…so I need money. So ill work this Saturday. I need to get my shit in order. I’m so upset life put me in this situation.
Plus, I’m pretty rutty. I’ve been in a rut for sooo long. Everyone makes me upset. Literally every single person besides mary and alice somehow makes me annoyed, frustrated or worthless in some way. I haven’t gone to school in two days cause I just don’t want to deal with everything…I don’t want to deal with people and these issues. I want to escape.
Last night I was with calvin. I forgot how good I feel and how all my problems seem to fade away when I’m with him. There’s just something about being with calvin that makes everything better. Sure I know we will never be as close as I wish we could…and only god knows if he feels the same about me. But I don’t care. I just love being with him. Usually I talk like no ones business, I just yap and yap but with calvin…I listen. He talks, he shares and he tells me things about his dreams and his mind and I love to listen. I couldn’t say I do this with anyone else in the world..also I have been craving some kiss action and I got some. So now I can simmer down. I made out with calvin and cuddled with him for hours. So I’m covered on that front. He opens up to me a lot, in many ways, that has to count for something…right?
I’m just kind of pissed at everything and everyone. I’m backing away from people and strangely enough…I’m okay with that.
Thats it for me. Bye.
I REALLY REALLY WANT A MAN. Like REALLY. It’s getting kind of annoying that I dont have a boyfriend or man that I can call mine. Calvin and I havent been talking or getting together lately and even so, we were never offical anyway. Calvin is complicated and to be perfectly honest, I miss him. I miss him more than I ever have. Because we have gotten closer over these past few months than we have ever gotten before, so now I have feelings for him and I miss what we had. Every night I have dreams about Calvin, nothing sexual because thats weird, but nice dating we are offical dreams. I dont miss any physical crap, I miss the emotion of being in a commited relationship and having someone genuinely care about me. I havent had a real boyfriend in almost 2 1/2 years…I mean last year I kinda “dated” Jackson but he is gay. So if he is gay its automatically discounted. So yeah, its been a long while. Once you know what love feels like, its hard to be alone. BUT I’M ALONE! So therefor what? Therefore, I want a boyfriend. I want a man. Please world, give me one!!!
1. Wear Mary’s dress to school.
2. Sqeeze in Paul Clelands back seat.
3. Drama. Read for our one act. Announce my PCPA callback. Overall embarress myself.
4. Eat a discusting halepano pretzel with Bryce.
5. Write Bryce a love letter because he’s been sad.
6. Go home. Eat. Blog.
Why is my life like a movie? But a really cliche predictable movie. So this afternoon I had an audition for the Pacific Conservatory of Performing Arts and going to a theatre conservatory is really respected in the acting world…and getting a call back to one of the biggest company’s in California is a honor! So I make Mary come with me. My audition is at 12:40. And its in a town a hour away so I know nothing about the area…so first at 11 I get a text from Mary saying her dang sister is leaving to take bryce somewhere and that it will postpone our trip for 40 minutes. Damn bryce. This is why you get your drivers license. That delay will cut it super close..so ill have to speed on the freeway. So I did. Turns out the packet with the adress that they gave me was wrong!! Fuck my life. then since its Saturday no one at PCPA could give me directions and my cell navigator was failing. Fuck my life twice. We get to the general area and we got so lost. So so lost. We went to three destinations and finally we got there but 15 min late. Its bad to be late cause that means they skipped over you. I finally find the checkout desk and no one is there! It was like a movie..I didn’t want to accept that I missed it. So I sat there for half an hour, in an empty hallway, alone, with my head in the hands. Then Mary said it was time to give it up and leave…we were walking away and who did Mary see in his office?! Frank N. Stein!!! The special guest who came to my acting class! And like a movie frank remembered me and told me that he suspected I was lost cause he remembered my name and I wasnt there…he said he would fit me in before the next round!! I got my audition back. For the next 20min Mary and I rehearsed the crap out of my material. When it was my time to go in I was so nervous..but frank was so nice! And told me to start my song. remember I suck at singing! But I did it and the spirit of Aretha franklin hit me because I was actually good! Like pretty good! Mary could hear me from the hall and told me that herself :) then my monologues went ever better and he had me redo them with different tactics and I did even better! SO FRANK GAVE ME A CALLBACK!!!!! So exited! So even though my life is so predictable like a movie, I don’t care because atleast things turn out good in the end! Even if the journey to get there is a total bitch.
The title of this basically explains it all. This Saturday I have an audition for PCPA’s conservatory because I just can’t willingly go to Crappsville Community without exploring all my options. Sooooooo….my worst fear ever is singing infront of people. And the audition involves me singing 32 bars of a song, and I asked Bryce to help me rehearse because he can play the piano.
Cue the nervous breakdown.
Our lunch our is 35 minutes and I probably spent the last 5 minutes singing. The first 30 was spent having a twitch fit. At first it was me talking to myself “just get out of your head! You can do this! You’ve done this before. You know this song!” and i did. Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof! I KNOW THIS SONG!! Frontwards and backwards. And not gonna lie, when I’m all by myself i belt out those lyrics and hit the notes like I was a black girl having a good ol’ time. But when one person is planted in front of me…something happens…I cant hit any notes, my voice cracks like no ones bussiness and I stop in the middle because my breakdown gets in the way.
PLUS! Bryce is a singing and piano GOD. He is going to one of the best music univercities in the country for music. So singing in front of him is like talking politics with Obama. IT’S INTIMIDATING AS HELL. So having him there was both amazing, because he’s one of my best friends and he rocks, and bad because I could not feel comfortable because I didnt want him to judge me.
However, I sang anyway. And i sang horrible. H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. I was so off, it seemed like I was singing to fast for the tempo and I was off key…it was a train wreck. Like if my singing skills controlled the fate of a train full of babies, every last single baby would be dead. Bryce, I’m sorry I sucked so hard…I really am better. When I’m alone I’m like a rockstar, but no one will ever see hear my true talent because my anxiouty throws me off so bad.
I’m not even sure if I’m gonna do the auditions now. Do i even want to go and embaress myself? I’m not as prepared as I should be. I’m not. But part of me feels like I have to do this…wish me luck…
